Public VS Private

Don’t get me wrong, your life is your business and you're not obliged to let anyone know anything. If you and your partner knows what it is then that’s always most important. But when do we get blind sighted by how open we should or could be with our relationships, in a time where social media rules.

There are definitely levels to being public and private. Public enough for people to know of your partners presence but private enough for no one to know your business. But finding that balance isn’t always easy, and that’s something I know first hand.

It’s always well and good when things are rosy…he’s your babe; she’s yours but sometimes the things that follow aren’t always the sweetest. Times when the break-up has you deleting half of your pictures on Instagram or changing your ‘@’ on twitter, those are the instances where you wish you never were so public about it. Unless you’re friends or at least mutual afterwards, the pictures of you together at dinner or whatever aren’t always welcome.

But when does private become too private. Every person would rightfully want to show off his or her partner there’s a sense of pride, joy and content with knowing that they are with yours your other half and you may want people to know that.

As I said there are levels to it. Some things shouldn’t be considered too deeply, but some will say it is questionable that every other picture on your Instagram for example, is of you and him, and you are nowhere to be seen on his. Not to conclude that something is up if he doesn’t, maybe he doesn't post a lot; he may have your name in his bio and sometimes that’s more than enough. Regardless, what you can see is where some of these issues arise; is there is a balance between how you show and represent each other, does there need to be?  Don’t be too quick to react or start something, taking everything with a pinch of salt will make everything that much easier.

A woman should never feel hidden or irrelevant in her partners life and vice versa. If you feel like you aren’t being ‘claimed’ chances are there is a reason for it and most times it seems like 'who don't you want to know?'. Its not always that simple, but it is logical.
Parents’ not knowing is always an iffy one that stems a lot deeper at times and if you aren't at the stage don't stress on trying to force it to happen. With that said, would he/she introduce you to their parents? If you’ve never questioned that, think about it or better yet ask your partner and see how they react and what they say.

You don’t always need to broadcast your relationships especially if you are some who changes partners regularly, that goes without saying. People will always talk regardless but sometimes don’t give them something to talk about. ‘The proof is in the pudding’ let your relationship speak louder than your words. If people do find out have no shame in embracing what you have and never make the mistake to deny it, it’s your choice to respond to peoples questions how you want to. The more serious the relationship becomes the more comfortable and secure you can be in being more open with it if you chose to.

The main point to remember is you should never be denied, hidden or made a secret by your partner, whatever excuse they give its not mysterious and sexy don’t be fooled. When it boils down to it you should be proud of who you call your other half and they likewise should be proud to claim you and let others know you’re theirs. Balance in a relationship is always key alongside other factors. You control what people know and see about your relationship. Don’t allow yourselves to be the talk of the town.

A good relationship will speak volumes and leave people wondering. and wanting what you have.

Sometimes saying nothing at all says it all.

Final destination

Probably some of the most confusing terms to try and use in any budding relationship are exclusivity and official.

So you’re exclusive but not dating. What does that mean? I wonder how you can be exclusive (as in 100% not seeing any other people or having anyone else in that sense) yet you’re technically not together...someone enlighten me.

So yes, exclusive but not official. You definitely having to give everything time and be patient. But a year or two into it and you’re not official; it becomes questionable where everything is going.

For someone like me I definitely think towards the future a lot, but at the same time I can go with the flow. So there’s never any rush to be official but exclusivity is a must (no sharing), but there does come a point where you feel as though without some definition, things are plateauing. I never thought a guy had to clearly say ‘would you be my girlfriend’ but to be fair a friend of mine explained it to me and it really did make sense. Sometimes relying on “knowing what it is” isn’t always a good thing, that’s where misunderstandings occur, and whilst you think you’re on the same page as your partner, you find out that you’re in two different minds about what you are and what the relationship is.
Sad to say, you should never assume your position. If it isn’t spelt out clearly and verbalised don’t think it's something just because you want it to be. Worst case scenario you get them saying ‘but I never said that’ leaving you standing there realising 1) they never did. 2) You’ve made an assumption 3) they are probably making excuses but most of all 4) you feel silly for thinking otherwise.

And again, it’s always easy to say you wouldn’t be in that position, you cooked, cared, loved and tolerated him, you KNOW you've done it all to perfection and believe you're in the right to think so, but that’s where you underestimate the power of misunderstandings, miscommunication and excuses.

Never make assumptions.

It's inevitable, but in most aspects of life can be detrimental. You assume it’s this because of that, and that he meant this because he said that, we do it with the media all the time. If ever in doubt have that dude spell it out. Even a smidgen of confusion leaves the space for you to add your own hope and expectations into a simple sentence or situation. We all selectively hear and see what we want, so sometimes don’t read between the lines, and ask for clarity. If you need to have your relationship defined then do so. If you don’t know what you are together or at least what you are aiming to be, you’re simply wandering and taking chances that most people don’t have the time for.
A train that is fit for travel doesn’t just wait at the station, it moves, goes on a journey and no matter how slow or halted the journey is, reaches it final destination. If your train breaks down mid-way, don’t hold on to it, it's okay to go a different route. Waste no time dwelling on how the journey would have been, everything and everyone in life happens for a reason.

Time is precious but waits for no one. Patience does go a long way, but so does common sense. If the individual doesn’t benefit you in any way and you are there in a stationary phase...just waiting at that station…

Well you know what to do.

Forgive&Forget

All men are the same?

Once you factor out; Age, culture, Religion, upbringing, Experiences, common sense…

What I’m trying to say is we are all the same at some point (excluding race and gender as a factor), as we grow that’s when we differentiate, become the individuals we are today, and can say why or how we are different from the next person.

This is mainly aimed at the ladies (but guys switch men to women and its applicable too) because if anything we are the ones expected to say ‘guys are all the same’. Now there’s no point in getting at a girl and telling her ‘it’s her fault for trying them all’ it goes without saying, that after a loophole of experiences it is easy to come to such a conclusion.

Who is to blame?

It takes two to tango, two to make a situation, and it definitely takes two to communicate – well communicate well anyway. Now I am definitely not saying one party should take the blame, but sometimes reflect before retaliating and try placing yourself on the other side.

If they are all the same, why are you ending up with the same? Have you changed? What have you changed? We attract what we portray and sometimes you have to swallow that truth before complaining. We ourselves sometimes don’t even realise what we reflect to others. Then again take that and realise some people really just do get the wrong impression, and that wont always be something you can change, some people like to prejudge and close their minds to you but then who are they anyway…next!

Identifier

It’s been said that we see ourselves differently to how others see us. Cheers to those that this doesn’t apply to. Ever asked your friends how they see you? What is your identifier? Firstly, your friends are usually a good reflection of you; but apart from your family they are the ones that should see you for who you are. Disclaimer: The word friend(s) isn’t used loosely in this context so know which “friends” you’re asking. Take any advice or criticism they give with a pinch of salt, apply your own common sense to it and then see if it works for you, here’s to hoping they want what’s best for you.

Boys will be boys

Boys being the key word. It is sometimes hard to admit you have a boy on your hands when you want or thought you had a man. Some will give you a list of things that will help you tell the difference, that isn’t always applicable when they tick some boxes and not others – leaving you to be in denial all over again. But ultimately ladies, you know what’s up. He doesn’t have to be like your dad (some of you wouldn’t want that anyway) but you know when you’re being treated according to your worth (blog on knowing your worth linked below). Boys will be boys, they are incapable of handling a strong and developed lady like you, so don’t beat them up when they fall short of doing so. Age wont determine what you end up with so don’t focus on that. Instead focus on you, MEN will know your worth, they will know if they are fit to approach you, and at that stage change should come.

Give a guy a chance, and don’t go searching for what you think you want, during your time of patience build yourself to be the woman you know you can be and the right guy will find you. Do something different, be different, and then you should come into something different.

And remember, the Alex, Josh, Michael, Tyrese or John that came before this one doesn’t have to affect the next one.

Copy cat

So you're sitting on a bus, (for those who drive just imagine, and go along with this) you pull out your mirror, check your face and start reapplying your favourite lipstick. You can feel (and kind of see) the lady opposite watching you till finally she gets your attention and says "Your lipstick is really really nice"...

Do you...


A) Thank her and continue to do what you are doing.

B) Say thanks and tell her the details about the lipstick.

C) Get into a full-blown conversation about make up, fashion and everything else.

I don't know about most of you out there but I'm very much between a B and a C, like why not! As long as he/she is willing to chat, then we can talk till one of us gets to our stop. This same scenario or something similar can apply to those shoes you were wearing, the vintage shirt you styled or even the lashes you had on.

So many times I've seen people have a different kind of attitude, where they don't want to share the details, or are reluctant to do so. You think they’re going to steal your style? Unless it's a one of a kind, limited edition, can't get that good stuff no-where type of item, then chances are you weren't the first one to have it and wont be the only one with it either.

Bottom line is if you are that afraid of your style being stolen, you may need to realise that maybe your style isn't yours or that you may need to make it a bit more personal to you, to make it that different.

There's no harm in passing on your style secrets. I would personally feel good to know I had influenced someone's dress sense or style. You never know where it could get you, plus it doesn’t really do any harm chances are you probably won't see that person again. Plus I would always remember someone has been there and done that. Fashion is a cycle.

Checkpoint

There’s no time like the present and we all know life is too short, so where does this level of procrastination come from and why does it have such a strong effect.

I don’t know one person in this world who is immune to procrastinating. We all do it be it that extra 5 minutes browsing Instagram or the hour we spend watching Orange is the new black – to be fair its not our fault its so good. Either way the idea is clear some level of procrastination is ‘healthy’, but when does it become a hindrance?

I reached a point in life where I had an epiphany a really strong one too. As short as life is, it really is long enough for someone to do all they wish to do. Factor out variables like money, resources and things that may make it harder and essentially everything is possible. So why is it so common for a person to feel like they didn’t get to do it all.

That’s how I came to the idea of checkpoints.

Now checkpoints are both good and bad. You can use them as a gauge to keep yourself on track and monitor your progress. At the same time they can be bad. There’s no point of using ‘life checkpoints’ as a method of when you will start to do something, see it like this…“At the age of 21 I will start a business” or “At the end of summer I will begin practising for me theory”. Its so easy to put things off and feel like your life is sorted because you’ve made these mental checkpoints, when in all honesty most times we know life just doesn’t go to plan.

So here are some things to do.

•  Make a list: Yes you can make a list, but make it a practical one, a REALISTIC one. There’s no point of putting too much on your list that expires in a short space of time. You’re likely to be disappointed if you don’t complete it all and can easily end up with quantity over quality in you results. 

• Prioritise: Think about what means more, what needs to be done first, and what you have to do before you can move on to the next goal/level.

• Remember you’re human: Life won’t always go to plan, and you cannot control what happens around you. Have a plan B think of where to go and what to do if things don’t work out straight away and don’t give up.

• Start now: Unless you’re physically restrained, put your plans into motion today. Tomorrow because, next month and then that becomes the next year. You can’t fail at what you haven’t tried. There will be satisfaction in knowing you gave it a go. Don’t be afraid of the unknown, fear doesn’t know success and wont fulfil your dreams.

For me it was knowing that people out there were doing their own thing whether I did mine or not. I knew my potential and realised I was capable of doing half the things I admired others for doing. Regret is worse than failure. Instead of using checkpoints to start on your dream, use them as a way of surpassing levels you though you could reach, and be comfortable in knowing starting and giving your best is better than sleeping on a achievable dream.

Playing the victim

Disclaimer: No one person should feel offended, everyone is different and not all men are the same. If you feel you are contrary to this post then feel free to comment below or at least feel a level of content in knowing you’re not that guy. I do not condone cheating and nothing in this piece should be seen to be supporting it.

Now this isn’t a rant, more of an elaborated discussion and it's only touching on one part of a big issue.

Ladies, double standards are something we are used to right? Not that we should be but either way we’re used to it and its ‘reasoning’

Back in school times there was also this reoccurring argument of it being more acceptable for guys to cheat than it is girls, and it's pretty much stayed that way. Even though I have the same attitude towards the discussion I have to say my reasoning behind it has definitely changed.

As a young lady I’m being cultured to believe that if I guy cheats it doesn’t mean as much as if a girl does. Now first things first cheating, be it by a man, woman or Martian is unacceptable – but since when did guys get the pass to be able to do it and in essence get away with it?

These are some of the excuses I've come across.

“Well for a guy its just casual, but for a girl it means she must really like the guy”

“With girls you go inside – reference to intercourse - whereas guys its not that intimate”

“When guys cheat its not serious, just sex”

I’m not a feminist, may support some of their opinions but essentially I’m not. Why is a girl branded the ‘devil’ for doing anything even close to what guys have been doing to girls for years?

And here’s where we see guys playing the victim.

A dose of their own medicine. Some guys are quick to cheat, but the same individuals are even faster to say they would leave a girl if they did the same. How can you play the victim to something you’ve done before? Now don’t get me wrong some guys are hurt by girls and may have a clean past. But some individuals need to remember the idea of karma. I see it as karma comes back 10 fold, so it is right for an individual to be made to feel somehow, by someone who did worse to him or her.

Now two wrongs don’t make a right and you shouldn’t be in a relationship where anyone is spiteful. These things just make you wonder. There are no excuses, if your ex hurt you that is not a reason to hurt the next person and it definitely shouldn’t justify anything you do wrong.

Girls are expected to take the guy back if they but guys wouldn't do the same.

You get into an altercation with your girl and then plead innocent when you're in the wrong.

You cant and shouldn’t make a girl feel any worse than you should if you were in her position just because she’s female. There has to be a level of equality somewhere.

It doesn't seem like something that will be accepted straight away but either way you can't be a victim of your own crime.